Decluttering the Heart First

In some way or another, I feel a little uncomfortable posting any photos of me right now. Especially full length ones. I'm overweight and I know it. But that's the goal for me this year, to lose weight while letting go of the clutter in my life: both inside and out. 

I had every intention of writing a new blog about organizing the bathroom after my grandmother gave me a homemade quilted bath organizer to hang from the towel rod. But, for some reason, I'm more drawn to writing about the most glaring place I'm struggling to declutter: my heart.

It seems I need to get my heart decluttered first before I set my sites on any other cluttered spots in my home. Sure, I love having a shiny sink like the Flylady tells us to start off with, but then it becomes spotty and full of dishes once again. To me, unless I keep up with it, the shine and glory only seems to last momentarily. Much like most of my life.

While some say "live in the moment", my question is how do you make that moment last? Or are my thoughts lingering more around our need for immediate gratification? I think the latter. It feels great when we hit a goal or achievement. But the euphoria seems to only last for the moment for me, then it is back to the same old same old thoughts and habits.

To me it is the habit issue that has me so tight in it's grip. It's a habit to eat what tastes euphoric for a moment without thought about the calorie count. But it is rewarding to order something tasty, yet within the calorie range. But somewhere in the back of the mind, something tells me it doesn't taste as good. Or it won't be as satisfying. 

Why is it that many think that way? I know there are probably some sort of scientific studies that suggest it's an addiction to something, or that we're feeding some hidden need or problem. Maybe it is all of the above. I know for me it is difficult to pull away from those things that I so heartily cling to...most notably food.

So, somewhere in my heart I fear losing the ability to eat with some thought toward taste and satisfaction. It's as if I am unable to accept the fact that if I continue to eat the way I do I could be digging myself into a deeper grave. I am now entering into an age group where heart attacks are not at all uncommon. Or a weight range where type II diabetes is a real threat. Or even to a point in my life where the added weight begins to take its toll on my joints and back. I've already had one back surgery and been through physical therapy for back pain three times. 

All I know is that something has got to change. I cannot keep living like this. I want to be like my grandmother and enjoy life to its fullest well into my elder years. It is possible, but I need to change my heart before I can do this to completion. I need to understand that I cannot live in the moment with this journey. I need to live for tomorrow and the next day as I seek to become healthy and lean inside. Then, and only then, will the stuff around me begin to make sense as I make the lifestyle choice of decreasing.

Maybe by then, I won't fear posting a full figure photo of myself.